


Struggles

by bringmesomepie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anorexia, Anorexic Castiel, Anorexic Dean, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean Winchester, Castiel has an Eating Disorder, Chef Dean, Dean Has Secrets, Dean Has a Bad Day, Dean Has an Eating Disorder, Dean Winchester Has a Crush on Castiel, F/M, Fainting, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Nice John Winchester, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Sad Castiel, Sad Ending, Sick Castiel, Sick Dean Winchester, Things will get better, Vomiting, Weight Issues, Writer Castiel, but then they don't, but they do, excessive exercising
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:35:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7180487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringmesomepie/pseuds/bringmesomepie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel transfers to Kansas University to major in writing and get away from his family. His roommate Dean is majoring in business management and taking culinary night classes. The Novak thinks Dean's body is perfection and has been struggling with weight issues for years now. Little did he know that was only the beginning, when he digs deeper into Dean's past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Ready, Angel?

He didn’t know what possessed him to transfer to Kansas University. Yeah, sure it was completely out of the state as he family, but not that far of a drive back to Pontiac. His classes were easy, the campus was nice and quiet and his roommate was a hunk muffin.

“Yes, Mom, classes are fine, the people are nice, and my roommate is great.” Castiel sat at his desk doing homework. “I really have to go, Mom. I have a lot of homework. I love you too.”

He had just hung up and set his phone down when his roommate entered the dorm. “Hey Man. How was your day?”

Castiel shrugged. “Good, I guess. I’m still learning my way around and learning my classmates.”

Dean Winchester. Castiel’s roommate/major crush. The man was thin, lack of any unnecessary body fat and the just the right amount of muscle tone. Dean had gorgeous green eyes and freckles scattering his cheekbones. “Well, that’s good, Man. My brother, Sam, emailed me a recipe for a salad with grilled chicken. Want me to make you any?”

“No thanks, but I thought you were vegetarian or something?”

“I am, except for chicken. Those bastards are evil. It’s my revenge.” Dean laughed. “Are you sure, Cas? You know I’m a good cook and you turned me down at lunch.”

“I know, I’m just trying to watch my weight. I already had dinner and I don’t want a second one.” Cas looked up at the attractive man.

Dean pulled over his desk chair and sat down. “Angel, you don’t need to lose weight. You have a great body.”

“I don’t want to gain weight, I’m toning my body.” Cas looked away.

“Suit yourself, Angel.” Dean got up and pushed his chair away.

Cas closed his eyes from a long moment. He hated it. He was already lying to his roommate. He was starving. He ate a small snack at 3. Well, if you count a granola bar and half a bottle of water a small snack. He was finally at a place was the pounds were finally coming off. All through high school he skipped breakfast then breakfast and lunch, but his weight maintained the same. Then Freshman year of college came along and he gained the freshman fifteen. Now, that he was a junior in college he only eats when Dean offers to take him to dinner, he’ll eat something small…or he’ll eat a small snack.

His stomach rumbled. He placed his hand over it. He stood from his chair and walked over to his dresser and pulled out his running clothes. He was almost out the door when Dean caught him. “Goin out?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna run a mile or two.”

“It’s awfully late to be running by yourself.” Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

Cas loved how Dean was such a mother hen to him. Since he was so far away from his parents he forget that even if they were extremely annoying, they still looked after him. Right now, Dean was annoying. He just wanted to run. “It’s fine. I’ll be careful.”

“If you give me five minutes, I can run with you.” Dean smiled.

He couldn’t tell if that was butterflies in his stomach or his stomach rumbling. Cas smiled. “Yeah, sure, you have to keep up.”

Dean laughed. “I bet I can run laps around you, Angel.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

_**(*( &^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$^&*(** _

Cas stumbled into the dorm room an hour and a half later, coated in sweat. Dean wasn’t lying when he said that he could run laps around him. Dean walked into the kitchen and grabbed him and Cas a bottle of water. Cas just sipped at him, while Dean gulped half of it down in one go. “We should do that more often Angel.”

“I didn’t know you ran.” Cas panted.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, pretty boy.” Dean smirked and walked over to their makeshift kitchen table and grabbed his phone.

Dean was right. Cas had been at KU for a month now and barely knew anything about Dean. “We should sit down and get to know each other.”

“Yeah, right. I’m not one to share my feelings and spill my guts out all over the floor.” Dean shook his head. “Especially to someone I’m still getting to know.”

“Let’s make it a drinking game then.” Cas smiled. “If we don’t feel comfortable answering a question we say pass, but we have to take a shot.”

Dean crossed his arms over his chest. “You saw the bottle of scotch I got the other day, didn’t you?”

“Is that a yes?”

“Alright, but first we need to shower. We also need to eat something, doesn’t have to be anything big, but it’s the worst thing to drink on an empty stomach.” Dean nodded.

Cas nodded and watched Dean step out on the balcony dialing his cell. That meant Cas got shower first. He grabbed his change of clothes and glanced at Dean as he passed by the living area to find him talking on the phone with a serious expression.

It was a quick shower and Dean was off the phone when he got out. Cas grabbed a sleeve of crackers and nibbled on a few before Dean came out. He caught a quick glance at Dean flawless physique. That was the body he wants. Right now, Cas had a lot of work to do. He had a pudgy tummy, thick thighs, cankles, chicken wing flabby arms…he hated how he looked.

“You ready, Angel?”

_*** &^%$#%^&*&^R%^&*()** _

They started off simple.

“Where are you from?”

“Lawrence, Kansas” Dean shrugged. “Why did you transfer here?”

“Wanted to get away from my family.” Cas looked down at the table. “Are you close with your family?”

“Extremely.” Dean nodded. “Who was your first?”

“First what? Love? Sexual partner? What?”

Dean smirked. “Sex and how old were you?”

“Oh, uhm…I was 17 and her name was Meg.” Cas laughed. “Who was your first and how old were you?”

“I did it with my best friend. We promised we’d be each other’s first. It was stupid. We were 14. Her name was Jo.” Dean laughed.

Cas grinned. “Who was your gay first?”

“Why would you think that I’m gay?” Dean’s face change in a fraction of a second.

The Novak’s face turned bright red and his hands covered his mouth. “I just thought…you bring a lot of…I just assumed...fuck…I’m sorry.”

Dean chuckled and shined his pearly whites. “I’m just playing, Man. I’m bisexual, but lean more toward the gay side, but also appreciate the female form.”

Cas laid his head now.

“Come on, Angel. Alright, my gay first was in 11th grade, I was 16 about to turn 17 with this bear of a man, named Benny.” Dean laughed. “How about you, Blue Eyes?”

“I was 19 with a sweet guy named Samandriel.” Cas blushed. “So, top or bottom?”

Dean watched Cas lift up his head to look at him. “Bottom.”

They did that for the most of the night. It was Friday so it wasn’t like they had to wake up for classes or anything. It wasn’t until 5 in the morning before Cas said something that finally crossed the line. They had moved to the couch hours ago. Both Dean and Cas had taken about four shots each.

“What was high school like for you?” Cas laid his head on the cushion.

Dean instantly stiffen and grabbed his shot glass and the bottle of scotch. “Pass.”

“Come on, why do you have to pass?” Cas whined.

“Pass, Castiel.” Dean downed a shot. “What’s your biggest insecurity?”

Normally Cas would have grabbed that shot glass and passed, but four shot a scotch in his system, he gets a little bit more personal and chatty. “My weight.”

“Why?”

“Your body is like perfect and I want your body. I don’t wanna end up fat like my mother or other family members, so I restrict my diet so I stay not fat, but I’m starting to get pudgy.”

“Castiel are you starving yourself?”

“Not completely, I eat, just not a lot a day and I run to take that weight off too.” Cas curled up.

“It’s time to go to bed, because if you remember what you told me today, you’ll be pissed at me and I don’t want that.” Dean helped the man off the couch.

_******* _


	2. Don't Let the Cat Out of the Bag

He woke up with a headache and a full bladder. He got up and walked out of his bedroom and ran a hand down his face to find Dean with another man on the couch playing video games. “Morning.”

“How ya feeling, Angel?” All Dean got in response was a groan and the door shut to the bathroom.

Cas had just opened the door to the bathroom when he heard the mystery man talk. “So that is the dormmate crush you have been telling me about?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s gonna be a thing. He doesn’t seem interested. Probably thinks of me more like a mother hen roommate more than anything.”

“You’ll be a great Mom.” The unfamiliar man laughed.

“Shut up, bitch.”

Cas chose that moment to walk in. “hi.”

“Cas, this is my little brother, Sam. Sam, this is my roommate, Castiel.” Dean gestured to each other. “Sorry if we woke you, Man. I was gonna let you sleep all day if you could, but I never went to bed. Sam came here around 10.”

“Wh’ time’s it?” Cas slowly blinked.

“Noon and a half.” Sam replied looking at his watch.

“How hung over are you?”

Cas shrugged. “Not really. Slight headache and sluggish. How about you?”

“I was a tad worse than you. I was puking around 8 or 9 this morning.” Cas noticed the concern in Sam’s eyes. “I didn’t take my own advice to eat something before drinking shots.”

“Sorry to hear that.” Cas plopped down beside Dean on the small couch that could barely hold all of them.

The Winchester went back playing and Cas laid his head on Dean shoulders and soon drifted back to sleep. He didn’t know how long he was out, but when he woke Sam and Dean were whispering. Cas decided to keep his eyes closed. _‘Are you ok, Dean?’ That was definitely Sam._

_“I’m fi—“_

_“Don’t use the word fine. I don’t trust that word.” Sam snapped._

_“I’m ok, Sam. We can do the protocol, but that is risky letting the cat out of bag. Sam, I promised you and Dad that I would come to y’all if the shit started to even think about hitting the fan. You know I always keep my promises.”_

_“Except when it comes to this. I came here today in hope that you would tell me something is wrong.” Sam sounded sad._

_“Why would you say that? I’ve been good for two years?” Dean’s voice cracked even in the whisper._

_Sam sniffed. “This has been a hard year for all of us. I need to know that you are ok. Don’t think that we don’t know about how you called Dr. Braeden last night.”_

_“Stop worrying, Sam. Be a normal 17 year old for once in your life.” Dean sounded annoyed now._

_“I can’t, because I’m constantly worried about you.”_

_“Then don’t.” Dean blurted out in a monotone. “Drop the subject and let continue our game, because you know how I feel about us leaving on a sour note.”_

Cas opened his eyes and watched Dean and Sam battle in Halo or Call of Duty…or whatever. After about 15 minutes of gameplay Cas finally decided to get up.

“Oh hey, you’re awake again.” Dean smiled. “You sat down and conked right out, Angel.”

“I’m hung over.” Cas mumbled as he walked into the kitchen. He knew he wasn’t gonna eat anything, so he didn’t have any idea why he wandered in here. The worse part was that Dean was in Culinary school and also majoring in business management, which meant the dorm smelt amazing most of the time. He hoped one day that he could eat the thing Dean’s cooks all the time and still have Dean’s body.

He was about to leave the kitchen when he watched Sam head toward the door. “I’m gonna meet up with Jess at the park. I’ll call you later tonight.”

“Bye Sammy.” Dean propped on the doorway of the kitchen.

“Nice to meet you, Cas.” Sam smiled and waved.

“Bye Sam.” Cas shyly waved.

Once the younger Winchester left Dean turned to Cas. “Want me to fix you something for breakfast? Lunch?”

“No. I’m good.” Cas played with his fingers.

Dean frowned. “Really? Call me skeptic, but I don’t think you had supper last night other than those few crackers.”

“Don’t be. I just don’t think anything we have looks good.” Cas frowned.

“I can cook anything you’d like.”

“Yeah, yeah, Mr. Culinary School.” Cas sassed. “I’ll tell you when I’m hungry, alright?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “You better. Sam didn’t stay longer enough for me to fix him anything.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

_*** &^%$#%^&*&^%$%^&*()_** _

Cas made it two weeks without eating a single thing. He managed to avoid Dean’s requests for breakfast, lunch, dinner. He had a long day and running across campus back and forth all day to get to his classes, so by the time he got back to the dorm he was exhausted. His stomach hurt, begging for food.

Dean had recently got a pull up bar that he put in his doorframe and Cas was allowed to use it if he wanted. The said Winchester wasn’t home yet, so he quickly put on his sweats and walked over to the bar. He did need to work on his chicken wing, flabby arms.  

He was never really good at pull up, but he got the hang of it after ten. His arms burned when he got to 20. Thirty and 40 were a blur, but somewhere around 50 his vision was filled with black dots. He remembers seeing the door open and Dean nonchalantly walked inside. Cas could barely see anything past the black dot, but he kept pushing himself, until his hands slipped.

He doesn’t remember actually hitting the ground, but he remembers the few seconds after the black dots faded away. By that time Dean had dragged him out of the doorway and up against the wall beside Dean’s doorway. The Winchester was straddling him and held Cas’s head in his hands. Dean looked scared and concerned. It took a moment before he realized Dean had been talking to him.

“Huh?”

“Thank God. Cas, you scared the shit out of me.” Dean sighed. “I walked in and saw you doing some pull up. I had just sat my backpack down when he collapsed. Are you ok?”

“My hands were getting sweaty and they slipped.” Cas mumbled. His mouth was dry. “I think I’m ok.”

“Let me get you some water.” Dean got up and rushed to the kitchen.

Cas was too tired to deny the beverage and, damn, he was thirsty. Water had no calories. It was ok. Dean returned and crouched down on his knees and placed the open bottle of water to Cas’s lips and help him drink. “Thank you.”

“You pushed yourself too hard, Angel.” Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair. “You gotta be careful.”

“I know, now. You didn’t call 9-1-1 or parents did you?” Cas mumbled.

“No, I might be a mother hen, but I know when and when not to call those two things. Trust me.” Dean smiled softly. “I’m gonna fix both of us a nice bowl of fruit salad. It’s a great post work out food.”

He wanted to say no. He had to say no. Why won’t he say no? “I don’t wanna get up yet.”

“You don’t have to. How about I put you on the couch? It’s a lot more comfortable than the floor.” Dean scooped the Novak into his arms and gracefully walked over to the couch. “Any preference on what fruits you want in your salad. I went to the farmer’s market this morning and got everything under the sun.”

“Strawberries and oranges.” Cas curled up. “You can add anything else, those are just my favorites.”

“Coming up, Angel.” Dean smiled and walked into the kitchen.

It took a while but Dean came back with the promise bowls of fruit salad. He handed Cas the bowl full of strawberries and oranges, plus blueberries, pineapples and watermelon.  “Thank you.”

“Tell me, Cas, and be honest…with me.” Dean started after a few silent bites. “Did you skip lunch and then do that intense work out?”

Cas frowned and his bowl began extremely interesting. He took a single blueberry and put it in his mouth. “Why do you care?”

“That doesn’t sound like dieting to maintain a certain weight…that sounds like you are starving yourself to lose weight.” Dean said with a tone that was close to his mother hen voice, but different. “You gotta know that doing that is extremely dangerous.”

“I don’t care.” Cas shrugged.

“You should care. Do you want to die?”

Here we go. A sore spot in Castiel Novak’s life. “You wouldn’t understand.” Cas mumbled, getting that lump in his throat as tears built up in his eyes. “My parents don’t care about me. My older brothers were always better and my older sister was the golden child. I was just the mistake that happened one night 5 years after my closest older brother was born. I wasn’t good at sports, I didn’t make the absolute best grades, I was shy and kept to myself. My first girlfriend was Meg when I was 16 and we had sex, which took my virginity a year later. I tried everything to get my parents to notice me, and nothing. I got to college and gained weight and that’s when they noticed. Now, that I’m losing weight they are talking to me more.”

“Angel, your parents love you. They do. They are just doing a piss poor job at showing it. You don’t have to starve yourself to get their attention. Your sister might have peaked in high school along with your brothers, but I swear to you. You are going to be the best writer in the whole damn country. That will make your parents proud, trust me.” Dean set his bowl down, took Cas’s and did the same. He grasped the Novak’s hands. “You have a beautiful body. Sure you can always tone up a bit, but to me it’s perfect. You’re tan, your skin is flawless, you’re thin, but have some muscle.”

Cas wiped his eyes free of tears. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better and it’s not working.”

“Hey, I’m gonna tell you the God’s honest truth.” Dean stared at Cas. “More pulls up would tone up your arms, then sits up and sore stretches will tone your tummy, and squats and running with tone your thighs. You don’t have to lose any weight at all. Just maintain a healthy diet to keep your body at a stable healthy weight.”

“Why are you doing this? You barely know me.” Cas whimpered.

Dean grinned softly. “I like you a lot, Cas. I don’t want you to waste away.”

“Thank you…Dean, but I don’t know if I can stop.” Cas let tears roll down his face. “I feel so gross and—“

“It’s ok.” Dean wrapped his arms around Cas. “We’ll reverse how you started. We’ll slowly add to your diet and keep it all healthy food and get you on a nice exercise routine. I’ll do all of it with you.”

“That means so much to me, but please, Dean…don’t call anybody like my parents or anything.” Cas hiccupped.

“Of course.”

_******* _


	3. A Big Secret is Revealed

Cas was getting better. He still only ate when around Dean, but it was a step in the right direction. He did, however, notice Dean acting off kilter. It started one Saturday morning. He woke up and walked to the bathroom and saw that door was closed and the light was on. He was about to grab the handle and jiggle then knock when he swore he heard the sound of Dean vomiting.

He waited a moment and he was sure he heard Dean retch then the sound of vomit hit the basin. He knocked. “Dean, Hey, are you ok in there?”

He sound of vomiting happened again. “Give me a few minutes.”

“Are you sick or something?” Cas pressed his ear to the door.

The sound of gagging then a cough and another gag made Cas step away for a moment but then moved back. “I think a classmate gave me something that was not properly cooked yesterday.”

“Do you need water or anything?”

There was a moment of silence, another gag, more vomit, then the toilet flushed. The faucet turned on and a few seconds later a pale Dean opened the bathroom door. “She’s all yours. I’m gonna lay down.”

“You’re gonna stay home and rest, right?”

Dean moaned and closed his bedroom door. Cas took a shower and changed and by the time he exited his bedroom Dean was laying on the couch curled up. The TV wasn’t on, but he was staring in that direction.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like my stomach is eating itself.”

Cas walked over and ran his fingers through Dean’s sweaty hair. “I have to go to the store and pick up groceries. Are you gonna be ok all by yourself?”

“We need food, Cas. I can’t cook with an empty pantry. I’ll be fine. Take all the time you need.” Dean mumbled.

_**& *^%$#%^&*(*&^%$%^&*()** _

By the time by the time Cas got home Dean was locked in the bathroom again. This time it was the other end. Definitely food poisoning or salmonella. Cas let Dean be while in there and once Dean stumbled out Cas lit like five scented candles and sprayed glade.

It was Monday afternoon while Cas was reading during his hour break that a gal from his history class came over to him. He smiled as she sat down. “Hi Charlie.”

“Hey. Are you ready for Mr. Kirkland’s test tomorrow?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Cas shrugged.

Charlie looked at her books then frowned. “You’re Dean’s roommate right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Do you know why he wasn’t in class today?”

“What class do you have with him?” Cas frowned.

“Accounting for Business Operations.”

Cas nodded. “Dean got food poisoning Friday. He said that he must have ate something undercooked from one of his classmates Friday. He was spewing from both ends Saturday.” Charlie gave him a funny look that really concerned him. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

“No, no, you’re fine. It’s just—if my memory serves me—Dean doesn’t have a culinary class on Friday. It’s a Tuesday/Thursday class.” Charlie frowned. “He must have gotten a bug or something. Don’t know why he would blame a classmate though.”

That brought up many thoughts in Cas’s head. He skipped his next two classes to check up on Dean. He unlocked the door and stepped inside to find Dean shirtless and baggy basketball shorts, doing pull ups while soaked in sweat. _’65, 66, 67, 68, 69…’_ Dean’s eyes connected with Cas’s. “Fuck, Cas…I didn’t think you were gonna be home until…3-ish.”

Cas had never seen Dean panting from a work out. It was becoming a normal thing that Dean and Cas would work out together. Cas would be the sweating, panting doofus and Dean had barely broken a sweat. This was different. Dean stood right with his hands on his hips and pants as bead of sweat dripped down him. “I skipped my last two classes to make sure you were ok. Charlie told me that you didn’t have a culinary class on Fridays so there was no way for you to get food poisoning from a classmate. She thought it must have been a bug of some sort. You weren’t ever sick.”

“Ok, honestly, Saturday, I felt like shit, and Sunday felt like crap, but this morning I was tired so I slept in and when I woke up I had a burst of energy and decided to work out.” Dean explained. “You never see my true work out. It’s hardcore, I swear, I’m ok.”

Weeks passed and Cas maintain a steady 130 which was barely under the normal range for a 6 foot tall man. However, Dean’s seemed to slim down. Cas woke up early once Sunday and decided to be up for the day since his Monday early morning class was cancelled so he could sleep tomorrow. He stepped into the living room and that’s when he heard it.

It was the sound of vomiting again. This time when Cas walked to the bathroom, the door was open. He peaked his head in and saw Dean hunched over the toilet his hand fingers down his throat. Cas’s eyes bugged out of his head and he silently walked back to his room. He stayed there for a couple more hours and walked back outside right as Dean walked out of his room. “Hey, I’m gonna be gone for a few hours. My Dad and Uncle Bobby are gonna help me fix up my car finally.”

“Have fun.” Cas waved as the Winchester left. He was dumb founded. Cas was trying to recover from an undiagnosed eating disorder, while Dean was hiding his own, doing it to be like Cas. He was shocked and confused. After a while he walked into the bathroom. He used it and while he was peeing a box in the waste bin caught his eye. He finished up, tuck himself back in and pulled the box out. It was mostly hidden behind other trash, so nobody would notice, but it was a box of laxatives.

He brought the box to his room and grabbed his phone. It became a common occurrence for Sam to drop by every few weekends, so Cas got the young Winchester’s cell. He thought this was something the Winchester household should know even if it meant losing his friendship with Dean. He brought the phone his ear and wait three rings before the 17 year old answered. “Sam?”

_‘Hey Cas, what’s up?’_

“Well, uhm, Sam, I’m kinda freaking out.” Cas gulped and stared at the empty laxative box.

_‘Are you ok?’_

Cas closed his eyes. “I woke up this morning, I walked to the bathroom and a watched…Dean—hunched over the toilet making himself throw up.”

_‘Are you sure that is what you saw? 100% positive?’ Sam sounded serious._

“Yeah—I don’t think it was the first time either. I found an empty box of laxatives in the trash bin. I’ve never seen them before.” Cas pinched the bridge of his nose.

_‘Is Dean home with you?’_

“No, he said he was going with your dad and Uncle Bobby to work on the Impala.” Cas cleared his throat.

_‘That’s impossible.’ Sam blurted out. ‘My Dad is right here and Bobby is in the Bahamas with Ellen.’_

“What’s going on with Dean?” Cas confused.

_Sam cleared his throat. ‘Dean is an anorexic with binge/purge tendencies. He’s been struggling with the disorder since he was in 7 th grade. The only reason we found out was because he passed out while running laps in gym, his 11th grade year of high school. He spent the whole second half of his junior year in a treatment center. We thought he was fine, before he relapsed the summer after his senior year. He took online college course while at another treatment center and hasn’t relapsed again until now.’_

Cas had covered his mouth with his hands. “Oh God.”

_‘Stay where you are. Call me when Dean get back. Me and my Dad will drive over there and talk with him. Can you do that?’_

“yeah.” Cas hung up as a tear escaped his eyes.

_******* _


	4. The Walls Crumble Down

He waited about an hour before Dean arrived. Cas entered the living area. “Hey, Angel. I was thinking that we should hang out on the couch for a little while then go on a run, maybe I could make something low carb, low sugar, healthy to eat.”

“Sounds good. I need to do something really fast in my room and I’ll join you.” Cas pointed back to his room.

“Of course.” Dean shrugged and walked into his bedroom as well.

Cas quickly called the younger Winchester and they would be there in 15 minutes. He walked over to the couch to find that Dean had changed clothes. They silently watched TV. Dean chuckled at a few things, but Cas stayed silent. He glanced over at Dean and noticed that his stunning features had sharpened and his muscle tone physique had faded away slightly.

He hadn’t even noticed the time passed. He heard the knock. Dean was already up to answer it. “Hey, Dad, Sammy, what are y’all doing here?”

They walked Dean back to the living room. “We need to talk, Son.”

“About what?” Dean raised an eyebrow.

John sat his oldest son next to Cas on the couch. “Son, I know this year has been hard. It’s been hard on all of us. You told us that you would let us know when you were feeling yourself relapse.”

Dean immediately looked down at his lap. “How did you find out?”

“Cas found you this morning while you were purging.” Sam answered. “He also found an empty box of laxative. He called me freaking out.”

“I’m sorry.” Dean looked up with tears in his eyes. “I messed up. It’s been rough. I’ve tried so hard.”

“How long has this been going on, Dean? Give us a clear cut answer because we know you know the date down to the hour.” John said sternly.

“Two—Two weeks after…” Dean wiped his nose on his forearm. He whipped his head over to Cas, who looked scared. “Cas, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out because of what you were dealing with. If you knew I was suffering through the same thing how could I trust that you would actually let me help you. I was really trying to help you recover so you didn’t end up like me.”

Cas rubbed Dean’s back as the man doubled over until his head was between his knees as he sobbed. “It probably would have helped me more, because I would have known that you knew how I was feeling. They say that people with a disorder or addiction are the people with the best advice on how to stop.”

John placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, bud, I need to know what all you have or haven’t been doing.”

Dean straightened up and hiccupped for a few moments and wiped his eyes. Cas glanced over to Sam who was wiped tears from his eyes as well. “Binging/purging….excessive exercising, st-starving…I’m so sorry.”

Cas felt terrible for ratting Dean out to his parents. Dean never did for him when he found out. “Dean, I’m sorry that I told your family about this.”

“No, never say that.” Dean blurted out. “You did the right thing. If this was my first time getting caught I’d be so pissed, but this is my fault. I have a problem.”

John looked over to Cas. “Castiel, Dean said that you were in a similar situation.”

“Yeah, sorta…” Cas scratched the back of his neck. “I wanted to lose weight to get my parents attention by starving myself and exercising, but Dean stopped me when I passed out doing pull ups.”

Dean pulled his feet up onto the cushion of the couch and wrapped his arms around his legs and hid his face and cried. Cas continued to rub Dean’s boney back. “I’m so sorry, Dad.”

“Enough of that, Son. This is just a set back. I have one question though, Dean.”

“yeah.”

“You called Dr. Braeden a few months ago. She notified me. She couldn’t tell me what y’all talked about, but she implied that it related to your disorder. What did you talk about? Was that a cry for help?”

“I was scared. I was angry. Why would God keep me alive and let Mom die?” Dean raised his voice. “I’ve been through so much hardship and misery. I’m worthless and he just decides to take Mom instead.”

John sat down on the coffee table right in front of Dean. “Son, don’t go to that place. Mom passed away of a sickness we all knew she had. We all knew it would take her sooner rather than later. Dean, you’re an excellent chef. I gloat to my employees about your cooking and joke about how I have no clue where you got from because you such as hell didn’t get it from me.”

Dean didn’t look at any of the three men around him. He wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m sorry.”

“How much have you lost?” John leaned forward. Dean was silent. “Come on, Bud. I’m not mad. If you’re closer to 100 than you are 150 than we are going to the hospital.”

“35 pounds.” Dean whispered.

“How much do you weight?”

“120.” Dean covered his face. Cas wanted to cry. Dean was handling this better than the movies show. He’s not running or blowing up. He’s just answering John’s questions honestly. Cas was surprised mostly by the fact that Dean had lost 35 pounds and he didn’t notice. Dean even helped Cas while suffering with the same thing. Cas glanced over to Sam who had tears streaming down his face, just watching his brother break down. It was a face that wasn’t scared for his brother, but a face that was saddened by the fact his brother can’t be cured. Cas was brought back to Dean when the middle Winchester spoke up again. “Please, don’t take me to the hospital, Dad. I’ll see Dr. Braeden. I’ll gain weight…I’ll be good.”

John frowned. “I’m sorry, Dean. You knew this would happen if you relapsed again. Sammy and I won’t let you drop as far as you did the first and almost second time.”

“Please, Dad.” Dean begged one last time.

“Come on, Son. We need to pack an overnight bag. Get a weeks’ worth of clothes.” John helped Dean to his feet and they walked to Dean’s bedroom.

Cas looked down at the ground between his two feet. He flinched when Sam sat down beside him. “In case you were wondering. Nothing that was going on with you triggered anything with Dean.”

“No, no, I knew that. It is going shocking that he hid it so well.” Cas frowned. “I kinda think he left the bathroom door open as a last stitch effort to get caught.”

Sam sighed. “Mom had kidney disease. She went into renal failure 10 months ago and a month later she passed away. That means Dean started 8 ½ months ago…before the school year even started, so you don’t have to worry.”

“What are they gonna do at the hospital?” Cas looked over to Sam and played with his fingers. “Is he gonna be ok?”

“He’ll be alright. This wasn’t nearly as bad as he could have been a lot worse.” Sam frowned.

“What was his worse?” Cas was afraid of the answer.

Sam was silent for a moment. “He wore a lot of layer to hide, but when he collapsed in 11th grade the doctors told us that he was on his deathbed. He was so thin, they thought he should have died months earlier.” The young Winchester was getting teared up again. “His BMI was 12.91…which meant he weighed roughly 90 pounds…when he should have been at least 130… _at least…_ He was in the hospital for 6 months. He was allowed to go home when he could eat solid foods/meals. He had weekly weigh-in’s. Right after he was sent home he weighed 132 pounds.”

Cas nodded. He was about to talk again, but was stopped short when Dean walked out of his room wearing a grey KU sweatshirt and dark grey sweatpants with some old tennis shoes. He wore a book bag on his back. John came out with a duffel and a phone to his ear. Dean looked different. He was frowning, instead of his beaming smile. He was quiet and closed off…instead of being bubbling and talkative. He wore black framed glasses instead of his contacts.

“Thank you, Dr. Braeden. We caught it early, he’s emotionally exhausted, probably physically too. I got him a week’s worth of clothes so he should be good for up to two weeks if needed. We’ll see you when we get there.” John said softly then hung up. “You ready to go, Son.”

“Yeah.” Dean sighed and walked over to Sam and hugged him tight. “I’m sorry, Sammy.”

“Don’t be sorry, Dean. Just work on getting better so you can get back to school faster.” Sam tried to smile. “Try not to break into the kitchen to practice your cooking. You’re already perfect.”

“Thank you, Sammy.” Dean pulled away and walked over to Cas and wrapped his arms around the Novak. At first Cas thought I was just a normal goodbye hug, but tighter. He felt Dean grab fistfuls of the back of Cas’s shirt. The Winchester’s face was in the crook of the Novak’s neck and he felt the tears. Soon Dean lifted his head and whispered in Cas’s ear. “Don’t be like me. Once you start it’s impossible to stop and there is so much suffering. I’ve disappointed my family three times now…and I know I’ll do it again, but anorexia nervosa is a hideous beast. You have a beautiful body and you should learn to appreciate what God gave you and treat it with gentle, loving care, because you are worth it.”

Cas craned his neck and their eyes connected. “I won’t let you down.”

“I know you won’t. Are you gonna be ok in the dorm room alone for a week or two?” Dean cleared his throat and pulled away.

“I’ll be here waiting so you can help me convert to vegetarianism…except for chicken because those bastards are evil.” Cas smiled.

Dean laughed as he wiped tears. “I’m gonna miss you, Cas.” He hugged the man again.

“Make it one of your goals for coming back. I’ll move around all of the furniture, even in mine and yours rooms so nothing can remind you of the bad times.” Cas smiled.

John placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Time to go, Son.” Dean nodded and walked toward the door. “Castiel, if you ever need someone to talk to…Sam and I are always here to talk. You have Sam’s number and he can text you our address. Come over whenever you’d like. Doors always open.”

“Thank you, sir.”

John guided Dean out of the dorm with Sam leaving Cas alone. For the next few hours he was just numb. Once it got dark he finished up his homework and ate an orange, but it was flavorless. He couldn’t stop thinking about Dean.

Cas weighed 130 last time he checked two days earlier and Dean weighed less than him and Cas was smaller than Dean in both height and frame. He sat down on the couch and dialed a number on his phone and brought it to his ear. He rang twice both someone answered. “Mama?”

_“Hey, Castiel, how are you classes going? I was gonna call you earlier today, because I was cleaning the house and so I tidied up your old room, and found English project you were telling me about. The one where you got a perfect 100, plus loads of extra credit, and got you an award. You had told me that that paper was the thing that made it clear you wanted to be a writer. I never understood that, but I read it this afternoon, and Castiel, honey. It was beautiful. I never got to read it, because I thought it was hogwash like everything your brother’s did in high school, but that was different. I have never read anything like that. Now, I understand and I’m proud that you are pursuing your dreams.”_

Tears filled up in Cas’s eyes. He smiled. That was the first time his mother had said that to him. “Thank you, Mom.”

_“Your father and I miss you, terribly. You need to call more. Are you gonna come home for summer break?”_

A sob escaped his lips as he closed his eyes and tears rolled down his cheeks. “Mama, I miss you.”

_‘I miss you, too, Sugar. Are you ok?’_

“I’m scared, Mom.” Cas whimpered. “Really scared.”

_“It’s ok to be scared, Darling. The real world can be a scary place some times.”_

Cas sniffed. “I won’t be able to visit over the summer. I need to get help.”

_‘Help with what? Math? Science? What darling? We can get you a tutor at home?”_

“I have an eating and weight problem, Mama.”

_He heard his mother gasp. “Honey, we knew you were getting thin, but we thought it was because of growth spurts, boy hormones, or stress. We didn’t think that was intentional.”_

“It was, Mama. I’m sorry. I thought that was the only way to get yours and Dad attention. I wanted you to notice me, when I realized that wasn’t working I moved away, but kept losing weight. Now, now I’m scared, Mama.” Cas cried.

_“Castiel, baby, I can come down there and help you for a while. You don’t have to go through this alone.”_

Cas sobbed for a few moments. “My-my roommate struggles with really bad anorexia and was hospitalized and is gonna be gone for a week or two. Can—Can you stay with me until he get back?”

_“Sure, Darling. I can stay longer to help both you and your roommate if needed. I’ll leave first thing tomorrow morning.”_

“Thank you, Mama. I’m sorry.”

_“It’s ok, baby boy. You’re gonna be ok, I promise. If you think you are bad enough to seek medical treatments, we won’t.”_

“Bye, Mom. I love you.” Cas whimpered.

_“I love you too, Sweetie.”_

Cas hung up and curled up on the couch and drifted to sleep. He woke up early that morning to his phone ringing. It was Sam. “Hello?”

_“Hey, sorry if I woke you. I thought I should update you on Dean.”_

“How is he doing?” Cas sat up and looked at a clock. It was 5:30 in the morning.

_“They wanted to see if Dean was capable for an outpatient treatment, which meant he could go home today. They sat him down and gave him a plate of food for dinner. Me and Dad were also given the same plate of food. I knew it was gonna be an awkward sight to watch Dean eat when he hasn’t kept down food in such a long time. Like always he hesitated before every small bite, he pushed away his plate a few times, but the orderlies slid it back in front of him and placed the fork back in his hand. Halfway through the meal Dean gets really pale and wraps his arms around his torso.”_

“Did he puke?” Cas bit his nails.

_“Yeah. He told me, Dad, and the orderlies, calmly, that he didn’t feel good. Dad nodded and moved the plate away. He was already proud of Dean’s success to eat half a meal. The orderlies didn’t allow Dean to get up from the table. We knew this was gonna be a problem. He huffed and pushed his seat back and firmly placed both hands on the table, dipped his head under the table and vomited up what he had previously eaten.”_

“If the orderlies took him away because of that, you could sue or press charges right?”

_“The orderlies then understood that the food didn’t sit right on Dean’s stomach, but then Dean plunged two fingers down his throat while Dad talked to the two men. He puked up the rest of his food, plus water and bile.”_

Cas inhaled sharply. “So how long is he gonna be there?”

“Until he can gain at least ten pounds.” Sam sounds exhausted. _“They gave him a feeding tube.”_

“He’ll be ok, Sam.”

_“How are you doing? Dean was telling me after the feeding tube and we were waiting for him to be admitted that you had unhealthy eating or not eating habits.”_

“I’m getting better, I just need to gain 10 pounds to be in a normal weight range.” Cas nodded. “My mom is coming down to help me while Dean is in the hospital.”

_“Good, you need family support through times like this. I’ll call you later.” Sam hung up._

_******* _


	5. A Face Full of Reality

Cas didn’t know how to cook. Everything in his and Dean’s kitchen had to be baked, cooked, or have some sort of recipe that Cas couldn’t find. So he ate some of the left over fruit that they had bought a few days ago.

It was still early. He hadn’t gone back to sleep when Sam called him. So when he heard a knock on the door at 9, he knew it was his mother. Once his mother was inside and set her stuff down she wrapped her arms around her son. “Oh, Castiel, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you to, Mom.” Cas tried to stay strong.

“How are you feeling?”

“Numb…I watched everything go down with my roommate…Dean.” Cas pulled away and walked to the couch. He sat down and wrapped a blanket around him. “It was scary, because when I came down her at the start of the semester he looked fine, but he had already relapsed and had been losing weight. I barely noticed how skinny he was and he was helping me through my problems. He noticed them before anything got real bad. Now, I’m scared that I could have died.”

Tears rolled down Cas’s eyes. “It’s ok, Sweetheart. It’s very common to have weight insecurities when you’re a teenager or almost an adult. I love you the way you are. I’m sorry if it felt as if you didn’t feel like that was true.”

“You and Dad never took interest in anything I did. It was like I was the mistake that happened 5 years after Gabe.”

“That is not true. If anything, you were the only one that was actually planned. We had your name picked out before you were even conceived. You nursery was finished a months after we found out an we painted the walls blue when the doctor said you were a boy. Michael and Lucifer…drunk sex, Anna was a quickie while Michael and Lucifer napped. Gabe was in a bathroom of a candy shop while your siblings ran rampant, but you. You were conceived on a bed covered in pillows and candles surrounded the room. It was the best sex I had ever had with your father.”

“I didn’t need to know that, Mom.” Cas chuckled.

“Did it make you realize that we do love you?”

“Yes.” Cas wiped his eyes.

Cas’s mother’s smile faltered. “Honestly, we never thought your hobby of writing was gonna get you far so we didn’t bring it up, it hopes that we wouldn’t hurt you. It wasn’t until I ready that English paper that you had a true, honest to God, talent.”

“I want to be a published author, Mom. I want to be a household name like J.K. Rowling, Vonnegut, Oscar Wilde, Hemingway, and Tolstoy. It’s my biggest dream.”

“That’s why I sent your paper to a publicist. They got back to me and said that it was a great start and if you keep going she would love to publish the book.”

Cas’s eye’s went wide. “Really?”

“Yes, Honey, but you can’t write a book if you’re dead or sickly.”

“I’m gonna get better, Mama. I promise.” He wiped his eyes.

Naomi took her sons hand and smiled. “Tell me about your roommate.”

“He’s tall, emerald green eyes, freckles on his cheekbones. He’s secretive, but opens up a tad around me. He’s majoring in business management at KU, but taking night classes at the local community college to be a chef. I don’t understand. How can he be around food so much and not eat it.” Cas was breaking down again.

“Oh, Honey, a lot of the time people with eating disorders stay around food. Whether it is just hanging around in the kitchen a lot or fixing everybody food Let me guess. You’re roommate…Dean…he spends a lot of time practicing and making meals randomly.”

Cas nodded. “I have a really big crush on him, Mom. Seeing him like I did was really hard. I know Dean as this strong bubble guy, but I watched him break down.”

“I’m gonna fix you a nice easy on the tummy breakfast.” Naomi smiled. “How does that sound?”

“Great, Mom, really.”

_**(* &^%$#%^&*(*&^%$%^&*()_** _

Cas’s mom was there for two weeks. She really did help Cas, but not in an overbearing way. Yes, Naomi was shocked to hear that Cas wanted to turn vegetarian, but understood.

Like promised Cas rearrange the dorm room with the help of his mom.  Cas would go to class and his mom would have made him a healthy snack.

Sam nor John called saying that Dean had been discharged, so at 4 in the evening on a Friday there was a knock on the door. Cas walked over and answered it to find a tired looking, yet softly smiling Dean standing there. “Dean?”

“Hey.”

Cas hugged the man and smiled. “How are you doing?”

“Better that I can finally go back to my normal routine.” Dean sighed and walked into the room. He looked around. “I like the change.”

Naomi walked out of the kitchen. “You must be Dean.” She stretched out a hand.

“And you are?”

“Castiel’s mother, Naomi.” She smiled.

“Nice to meet you. Your son is amazing. I assume he told you everything.” Dean cleared his throat. “It’s ok if he did. These things need to be known.”

“He did, but my question for you is if you need help for the next few days or are you ok with just you and Castiel?” Naomi said seriously. “And don’t try to be nice. I don’t want to overstay my welcome, so if you don’t need me, I’ll leave.”

Dean thought for a moment. He looked over to Cas, who was showing no hints of his opinion on the matter. “You know what…the doctors were hesitant on sending me home, because I only gained 8 of the 10 pounds they wanted. It is also common for me at least to have mini lapses after my recovery. All of my classes except my cooking classes have been put online, so it would be nice to have more eyes watch over me and keep me in line.”

“You’re smart, Dean. I’m gonna go pick up some groceries.” Naomi smiled and walked off with her purse and car keys.

“We need to talk.” Dean turned to Cas. He lead him to the couch and they both sat down. “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve gain a little weight. I told my mom everything that was going on and she drove down here and helped me. 5 pounds heavier. 5 more and I’ll be out of danger.” Cas smiled.

“I’m proud of you, Cas.” Dean smiled. “Did Sam tell you everything about my disorder?”

“No. I know the abstract summary.” Cas curled up and faced Dean.

“It was 6th grade and some of my friends started joking around about how I was thicker than them. That was the first time I considered myself fat. For the whole year my so called friends made fun of me. During the summer I had a growth spurts and all my fat spread out, but my friends still joked around and called me chubby and fat. So I stopped eating lunch…then breakfast…then dinner. I’d eat one granola bear and a bottle of water a day. I passed out at least once a week in the bathroom of school, or at home, where no one noticed. My friends stopped joking and started calling me thin, by the beginning of 9th grade. I got girlfriends, I lose my virginity, I had lots of sex, which also burns calories. Sophomore year I experimented with guys and had more sex. I started running more. I started forgetting to eat a granola bar every that year. That year I probably would eat two granola bars a week, the summer it was like half a granola bar a week…by junior year, that half a granola bar was too much. I stopped eating completely. It was December, I remember, I decided to not drink my one bottle of water that day and gym rolled around. We were running laps in the gymnasium. My favorite time in gym. I got one lap down, two, three, four laps….four and a ½…I slowed down. Started not feeling too hot. Fifth lap, everything is going fuzzy. Five and a half laps, everything so sideways and slowly fades to black.” Dean explained.

Cas couldn’t speak. He listened to Dean’s every word. He wanted to just hug Dean and tell him that things were ok, now.

“I woke up in the hospital with a tube in my nose. Mom and Dad were sitting in chair at his side with tears in their eyes. Dr. Braeden, my doctor I still see, came in and told me that I should weigh 140, and my weight was roughly 90 pounds. I was at the treatment center for 6 months and 3 of those months I had a feeding tube that starting in my nose and ending in my stomach. I gained 42 pounds and went back home. For one full year I maintained that weight, then…my mom gets diagnosed with kidney disease and one of my closest friends passed away. I relapsed…big time. I went from 135 to 103.5. I spent the first half of my college life in another treatment center taking online course again.”

The Novak nodded. “How was that time different?”

“Instead of being diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa…I had turned to that if I ate, I would throw it up and then down some laxatives to make sure I got everything out. I was bad. I tore up my throat and had two ulcers forming in my stomach.”

“Who found you?”

Dean closed his eyes and licked his lips, before looking back at Cas with tear filled eyes. “Sam…found me. I found Ipecac and down a few swigs…not knowing you didn’t need much. Sam came home from soccer practice and heard me…” He paused. “He heard me puking. He opened the door and screamed. I didn’t have the strength to hold myself upright and vomit, I was on my side heaving blood on the floor. My hands, face, and torso were in the slop of blood, food contents, and stomach bile. My diagnosis was changed to Anorexia Nervosa with binge/purge tendencies.”

“Dean—“

“I regret every second of it.” Dean interrupted. “Only one thing has come out of that stupid situation, was my love for cooking food.  Anorexia is just a constant battle. It had left me with body dysphoria, fucked up kidneys, and the inability to digest most meats.”

“I’m sorry that you are going through all of this. I’m learning from…”

Dean took Cas’s hands. “Learn from my mistakes and grow. I don’t want to see someone like you end up like me.”

“I want to end up like you in some ways. You’re smart, funny, strong, independent, caring, loving, protective, and bubbly. Those are the things I love about you. Did I forget to mention that you are stunning to the eye?’

“Thank you.” Dean smiled behind the tears.

Cas leaned forward. “You help people even when you’re struggling as well. You put other people before yourself. I think I might be falling for you.” He placed his lips to Dean.

It was strange when the Winchester didn’t pull back, but deepened the kiss. After they parted Dean smiled. “I think I love you, Cas.”

_******* _


	6. Struggles: A Losing Battle

Things were turning up for Cas. It and had been five years since Dean and Cas had their first kiss. Cas finished his book and now was selling hundreds of thousands of copies worldwide and started writing his second.

Cas would have his off days where he wouldn’t want to eat anything or feel big, but Dean was there to help him through it. He tried to help Dean as much as Dean helps him, but the Winchester was a different story.

After three years of being good, Dean relapsed and lost 20 pounds to his already underweight normal. He spent two months in a treatment center. When Dean came back he was even more determined to stay healthy, because Cas and Dean wanted kids.

Dean’s best friend Jo offered to be the surrogate mom. The couple agreed and also said that they wanted the kid to know that she was the person who carried him/her. He worked hard on maintain his “normal” weight of 140, technically he should be at least 145-150.

Nine months later they were blessed with a beautiful baby girl they named Emma. She was the best thing ever given to the couple and for a year and a half they were happy.

That’s brings Cas to present day. He walked into the house, after meeting with his publicist and editor all day, to find Emma crying in her playpen. He walked over to her and scooped her up. Something wasn’t right, Emma’s face as bright red like she had been crying for a while and her diaper was over full, soggy and leaky. Cas grabbed the spare diapers and supplies they keep downstairs and started changing her. The 1 ½ year old had diaper rash forming on her genitals, butt, and inner thighs.

“It’s ok, Emmy. Cc is gonna make you feel better, Love. I know, Bunny, you are not comfortable.” Cas cooed as he put diaper rash cream on her bum and put a fresh diaper on her. He popped a paci in her mouth and scooped her up. “Let’s go find, Dee-dee.”

Cas rose the stairs of their small two story townhouse and instantly knew something was wrong with Dean. He heard horrible retching. He walked into the nursery and set Emma in the crib with her favorite toys and put a CD on of her favorite music. “Dean?” The Novak called out.

He rushed into the bathroom right as a raspy retch ripped through Dean’s throat. Cas froze in the doorway in horror of the sight. This was not his husband. Dean was hunched over the toilet gagged and sometimes puking into the bowl. His pants were both soiled from urine and feces. He had vomit down his shirt and on the floor around him.

“Dean!” He blurted out to get his husband’s attention.

The Winchester just craned his neck and looked at Cas with glassy eyes. Cas stepped inside and saw the Ipecac bottle on the ground passed an empty bottle of laxatives. Cas kept note of how much as in every bottle so he grabbed his list….Dean had down 60ml of Ipecac which was double the recommended dose…if you have swallowed a poison.

Cas is already dialing 9-1-1 on his phone and bringing it to his ear as he running over to his husband. “Dean, Babe, what’s wrong? What triggered this?”

At a small window that Dean had to catch his breath before another bout of dry heaving he said. “My Dad is dead…”

“It’s ok, Dean. We’re gonna take you to the hospital and get you feeling better—“

“NO!” Dean yelled. “Let me die!”

Cas quickly gave the 9-1-1 operator his address and what was going on, plus his name. It took five minutes for Dean to stop throwing up. He stripped Dean of his soiled clothes and wiped him mostly clean. He wiped his own husband’s ass and inner thighs clean of shit and piss. Cas put Dean into clean boxers and white t-shirt. “Paramedics are on their way, Babe. You’re gonna feel so much better really soon.”

“I wanna die, Cas. Let me die.” Dean cried.

“Stop talking like that. Without you, Sam would have nobody left. Don’t abandon Sam. What would you be doing to me and Emma? John wouldn’t want you to do that.” Cas cupped Dean’s face.

“Don’t leave me.” Dean sobbed.

“I’m not gonna leave you. Do you still feel sick? Are anymore laxatives gonna kick in? Or are you gonna puke again?”

Dean shook his head and they walked down the stairs and Dean sat on the couch. It took another 5 minutes for the paramedics to get to the house. Cas stayed behind for Emma’s sake and would meet Dean there.

Cas couldn’t ask Sam to babysit Emma, so his second choice was Bobby, because he lived close by. The second Bobby had Emma in his arms Cas was on his way to the hospital.

He whipped into a parking space of the hospital and ran into the building to the front desk. The smiling nurse looked up at him. “Hi.”

“Hi, my husband was driven here by ambulance, Dean Winchester-Novak.”

“Yes, Nurse Robinson will take you upstairs so you can wait to talk to his doctor.” She pointed to the curly hair nurse.

Cas waited for 2 hours. Nurse Robinson checked on him frequently. So when the 2 hours mark hit she just sat down beside the Novak. “You don’t have to look after me. I’m fine with waiting to see my husband alone. If you have other patients you should be see, go do that.”

“Lucky for you, I just clocked out.” She smiled.

“Shouldn’t you go home then. I’m guessing you worked a long, ball busting shift.” Cas frowned.

“I went to high school with your husband, Dean. We dated our senior year of high school. We were in love, he told me all about his disorder. I got him to be a vegetarian. Two weeks after we graduated I told him I was leaving for New York at the end of the summer…and I didn’t think a long distance relationship would work. We broke up and Dean was crushed. Two days later we found out that our friend Benny had passed away. That’s when Dean relapsed.”

“Don’t feel guilty about that. It’s not your fault, Dean relapsed, that was Dean’s way of coping with his problems.” Cas sighed.

“It’s not that. After I found out Dean was in the hospital for a relapse, I left. I didn’t speak with him, not until an hour and half ago. That was to get some key information from him.”

Cas nodded. “Dean doesn’t blame you for anything.”

In total they had been waiting for five hours. Two doctors walked over Cas and Nurse Robinson. The Novak knew it was about Dean before the doctors were standing in of them because it was Dr. Braeden with an unfamiliar doctor. “Hello, Castiel.”

“Hi. How’s Dean?” Cas stood up.

“Rough. He really tore up his throat with the Ipecac and we extremely dehydrated from the laxatives and the vomiting.” The unknown doctor spoke. “I’m Dr. Blake.”

Cas waved, but didn’t speak. Dr. Braeden filled the silence. “I’m putting Dean under 72 hour suicide watch, but he did clarify that he did want to end his life with the abusive use of the Ipecac and laxatives.”

“Can I see him?”

“Not right now. Dean is having test done on him to see if he has any internal trauma.” Dr. Blake shook her head. “He should be done with those test in an hour or so, but he had to be sedated.”

“I need to see him, even if he isn’t wake. I gotta see my husband.” Cas begged.

“Come back tomorrow morning, Cas. It would be best for Dean to have some time to himself. You know how he gets after a relapse.” Dr. Braeden frowned.

Cas nodded and walked to his car. He walked inside his house and thanked Bobby for helping him with Emma. She was down for a nap, so that gave Cas the perfect time to scrap his old book and start a new one. He sat down with a baby monitor sitting beside the computer screen. He started typing.

_Life is a journey. It is a path that has many forks in the road…bumpy terrain and struggles…._

Dean stayed in the hospital for his 72 hour suicide watch. Cas really watched him on his dieting. There was good days and there were bad days. At one point there were more bad days than good…then they were all bad. Then one night he heard Dean vomiting. Cas didn’t do anything to stop him this time. It seemed like any kind of help he provided nowadays Dean would push him away.

Cas called Sam and the younger Winchester sent Dean to a bigger, better treatment center, not under the care of Dr. Braeden. Dean spent 10 months there.

You’re probably thinking Dean was released after those long 10 months and was a changed man, but no. Dean was killed by the beast known as Anorexia Nervous. He ate every meal he was given and forced himself to throw up every night. He ripped a hole in his throat and had three ulcers in his stomach, but Dean Winchester died of a heart attack at the weight of 93 pounds. Cas found out the next day and rushed to the hospital.

Most days Cas just felt numb. His mother and father came up to help with Emma. Sam stayed with Cas and they tried to grief together, but Sam ran from his old life with the dead family. That was Sam’s coping.

Cas…he was quiet. He tried to act in front of Emma, but behind closed doors he cried. He wanted to help Dean so much, but he let Dean die. He didn’t really sleep for a month. He stayed up and typed until the sun came up and Emma stirred awake.

Dean was cremated and sat on the mantle of their small townhouse. When Emma was fussy he would carry her to the urn and tell her stories about her Dee-dee. He would put her down for a nap, then sob until the little girl woke up.

Once Emma woke up from a nap he would let her watch mind numbing cartoons while he continued to type. Ellen, Bobby, and Jo would come by and fix him and Emma lunch.

It took six months for Cas to completely write his manuscript. He turned it in to his editor, who sent it too his publicist. That took another 6 months before he got any word back from her. She absolutely loved it.

_Struggles: A Losing Battle_

When Cas heard back from her saying that she was gonna publish it and she thought it was gonna be more popular than his first, made Cas burst into tears. His first story was about his battle to be thin, but finding his way out of the sickness through a man suffering with the same thing and they both overcome it. His second story is a real life situation with no fairy tale ending. One person lives…one person dies.

Cas was gonna make Dean proud and overcome his sickness 100% and raise awareness of Anorexia. He just wish Dean was there to support him.

_******* _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story wasn't mean to be cute or cliche stories. There is no fairy tale ending, not everyone lives and gets their happily ever after. I wanted to take a more real situation approach to this story and really get into the extreme cases and the actuality of eating disorders. 
> 
> I loosely based Dean off of a close friend of mine who dealt with Anorexia, but she overcame it. She was on her deathbed basically at around 80 pounds. Cas was loosely based on myself. I have weight issues, even though i am thin.
> 
> I wrote this story because it was stuck in my head and had to be put down on paper and shared. It has a different approach than most anorexia/bulimia fics i have read on AO3. I hope you enjoyed it and don't hate me :D


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